Today When I Held Ande I Missed Mom
Baby girl is getting around now … like all over the house. She knows she can often find me in the living room and every chance she gets she escapes from their part of the house and does her fast crawl to our part of the house. She looks like a crab scooting across the floor as her “crawl” is done in sitting position with the levering power of one leg and one arm. She can do it faster than I can walk. There should be an Olympic event for this kind of transportation. I know she’d win it.
Her other mode of travel is by walking with one hand on anything … the wall, the sofa, a chair, or holding onto a finger. She could walk without it but she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to because it is scary. I’ve tried to think of the equivalent scary for me. Maybe jumping out of a tree? At my age that would be pretty scary. Actually climbing a tree would be pretty scary. One of these days she will do it accidentally … and she will forget that she was ever afraid to walk and it will be as easy as breathing.
Ande jabbers at me. She doesn’t make sense but she jabbers anyway and points and somehow we figure out what she wants. She loves it when I give her attention and carry her around and fuss over her.
During the last three years of Mom’s life she went through a lot of the same things Ande has been doing this past year … only in reverse. She forgot how to communicate, she forgot how to feed herself, she forgot how to walk, and she forgot how to go to the bathroom. It was scary for her and she needed us to help her like Ande has needed us to help her.
One day I was helping Mom get dressed and ready for the day, telling her step by step what she needed to do. This was our conversation.
Mom: How do you know how to do all of this?
Me: You taught me, Mom. When I was a little girl you taught me.
Mom: Really? I used to know how to do this by myself?
Me: Yes, you taught me how to do a lot of things.
Mom: Well, that’s good. I’m glad you learned it so well.
Several times during the last three years of Mother’s life I dreamed she was the size of a one year old and I carried her around like I do Ande, with her sitting on my arm and her little arm around my neck. I dressed her in cute little sweat suits and sturdy little shoes so she could walk beside me while holding onto my finger. I loved to fix her hair pretty and she loved it when I fussed over her. I loved taking care of her and making her happy.
Today when I was holding Ande … I missed Mom.
