Grandma Henke

Technorati Tags: Raising Grandchildren

More and more I run into grandparents who for one reason or another, or many reasons combined, are raising their grandchildren. For the year and a half that has been my husband and I. Talk about a volley of emotions!

For almost 16 years we have been Grandpa and Grandma and there is a certain freedom that goes with the title that gives permission to … whatever. You certainly don?t have the same role as the parent who is “responsible” for the life and future of the little darlings. With the responsibility comes a certain amount of have to’s:. You have to make sure they are fed, clothed, clean, well trained, do their homework, do their chores, brush their teeth, get to bed on time, and get to school on time. It’s in your contract. But what is in a Grandparent’s contract? A grandparent is responsible to be a good role model, cuddle, love, reassure, play with, give presents, and send cards. No where does it say you have to make them do their homework or take a bath.

Children love their parents but they adore their grandparents … at least my grandchildren do. Can you see where I’m going here? How do you go from being a grandparent to being responsible for the stuff kids don’t want to do and still be adored? It’s hard.

The first order of the day was to establish a schedule and parameters. That was the easy part. It was really easy to sit down together and vote on those things but what the kids didn’t get was that those rules and schedules would be enforced … by their grandparents. It’s confusing to everybody. I still hear a lot of “I love you, Grandma” but it is mixed liberally with “THAT;S NOT FAIR!; I DON’T HAVE TO!” and “I HATE IT HERE!” And they are right. It isn’t fair … but who can I shout those words to? I’m the grown up, right?

You do learn a lot the first time through parenting, particularly as your children mature and become parents and you start to hear about all their hang ups and what caused them. You learn to be real paranoid is what you learn. The whole way of raising children is different. My kids had fields to run through, tunnels to dig in the back yard, caves to explore, mud football with the neighborhood. My kids had the freedom of having parents who knew everyone in town so they more or less were free to roam and play and explore. My kids had a parent in every household they played at who would set them straight if they didn’t behave and pick them up and nurse them if they were hurt. My grandchildren have our back yard and “play dates” set up in advance with kids from school … after we get to know their parents. My kids had their imaginations for toys. My grandkids have Xboxes, ipods, and computers and have to be threatened to use their muscles.

My kids knew how to play alone and knew the rule “seen and not heard” had to apply under certain circumstances. These kids are seen and heard in all circumstances. They are heard long past what my ears can endure. My kids knew the “look” and when to quit pushing. These kids think the “look” is rather funny. My kids were always climbing on a young lap for stories and cuddles … these kids are climbing on a lap full of aches and pains and love to push around the wrinkles on my hands. My kids had a mother who was sleep deprived and still had energy. These kids have grandparents who are plain tired.

They have learned to mind but I have had to use the old methods I used to call bribes and threats. Now days they are called consequences and rewards but they are really the same thing. I try hard not to say it, but when have to … I say “one” and they hop to, because every number is 20 minutes of time off their allotted hour of electronics and they know I mean business. If I get to “three”, the electronics are gone for the day. That doesn’t happen very often anymore.

We don’t fit in with parents of young families and we don’t fit in with the senior citizens. Not many people our age have to hire a baby sitter to leave home or go to parent/teacher consultations. Oh, pop quiz here … If you are over fifty-five do you remember how much laundry three young children generate?  Even this number is bigger than it was with my children who had  three sets of school clothes, three sets of play clothes, and a Sunday outfit. These kids have twenty every day shirts apiece (and that’s after I got rid of at least that many more! Get the picture?

So … It’s okay. . We had a choice sort of. What choice is there if you have three grandchildren who are homeless and in need of love and care? We made our choice knowing full well there would be many sacrifices. We love them and they deserve the best … or the next best under the circumstances. We have fun and we laugh and we hug a lot and there are plenty of tears as well. We manage fine (almost). We are making a difference in their lives and that feels good. But they are right. It’s not fair. They know it and we know it … but it’s okay.