Grandma Henke

by Edna Henke 4/3/98

In nineteen seventy-seven, I was seven months with child,

I had a rare experience. In fact it was quite wild.

We had a long, deep freezer in a storage room out back,

But things were stored around it just as tight as we could pack.

To get the inside frozen stuff was really quite a chore,

You could only reach down in it from the end close by the door.

So you had to open wide the lid to get what was inside,

Some stuff I simply couldn?t reach, no matter how I tried.

One night while fixing dinner, I needed frozen peas,

So I climbed up on the freezer, to crawl along it on my knees,

In your mind you must remember, that my belly’s fat and round,

And I’m above an open freezer about four feet off the ground.

I had the frozen peas in sight and my body balanced right,

As I carefully removed the hand that gripped the side so tight.

As I tried to reach the frozen food I felt myself give way,

And I pictured me inside that chest like mamazon fillet.

I lurched forward with my hands and grabbed the furthest rung,

And with my toes I stretched behind, and caught there, too, and hung,

So, there I was just hanging, belly sagging down inside.

See, the freezer’s halfway empty and there’s lots of room to hide.

I can?t just drop! I?d smash my babe ! Or freeze us both to death!

But something has to happen quick, for I can see my breath!

So I start yelling hard for Lynn to come and help me out!

But he’s in watching football and doesn?t hear me shout.

I think I?ve yelled forever and have stretched a foot or two,

When I hear a little tiny voice say, “Mommy where are you?”

Thank goodness it was Ryan, a three year old no doubt,

I said, “Ryan, go get Daddy, for I’m stuck and can’t get out.”

But Ryan, he just stands there and says, “I can see your toes”.

I say, “Ryan, go get Daddy, Mommy’s belly’s getting froze.”

“Whatacha doing’ Mama? Can I have ice cream too?”

“Ryan, go get daddy! My body?s turning blue!”

“Mama, why are you in there? Can I get in there please?”

“I SAID to go get Daddy. Hurry, Ryan or I?ll FREEZE !”

“I want ice cream! I want ice cream! I want ice cream!”, he said.

“RYAN, GO GET DADDY! . . . or I?ll make you go to bed!”

“Mama …” “RYAN GET YOUR DADDY OR I?LL SWAT YOUR LITTLE RUMP!?

(You have to speak their language if you’re really in a hump.)

So Ryan dawdles down the hall ? bawling all the way,

And I just hang out in the freezer like I got all day.

But I keep on a hollering and soon think I’m in labor,

I yelled so loud I thought I might attract the next door neighbor.

Frozen Peas ? Page 2

But then, you have to realize, my yelling went straight down

And mingled with the frozen peas and didn?t make much sound.

I figured I would have to fall and chance it with the lid,

Before I pulled myself in half and out would gush my kid.

I thought ? ?I might be dead soon, and then what will Lynn do?

Probably leave me in the freezer for the mortuary view.?

I resigned myself to dying. Lynn deserves it the old geezer.

Then I finally hear him by my feet. “Why are you in the freezer?”

“What” I cried … “What did you say? Do you think this is funny?

THEN he chuckles and he says, “Don’t get mad at me, honey!”

“WHAT?” I shriek. “DON’T GET MAD HONEY? I’LL GET MAD IF I PLEASE!

DO YOU THINK I’M HANGING IN HERE BECAUSE IT’S FUN TO FREEZE?”

?Well?, he mumbles, “Calm down, dear, and tell me where to hold.”

And he reaches down around my girth and says, “You’re kinda cold!”

“WHAT?” I yelled, “DON’T MAKE JOKES … JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

“I’m trying to,” he answers back, “Don’t panic on me, dear!”

So he climbs up on the freezer too, and tries to get a grip,

I cry, “Oh Lynn, be careful! I?ll get smashed if YOU should slip!?

Next, I hear him laughing! Why, he?s laughing at my woes!

If I was in position I would smash him in the nose!

“There’s nothing to hold onto, Ted” ? His face against my butt,

“You’re hanging low,” he chortles, as he feels around my gut.

He reached up higher, saying, “Should I hold onto these?”

“Lynn, you are so disgusting! Just mind your manners, please!”

Then, he has to moan and groan ? like it?s hard to lift me out.

And all the while he?s snickering, that inconsid?rate lout!

We finally end up on the floor, all tangled in the hall,

But by then he is beneath me, for he tried to stop my fall.

I check myself out quickly giving Lynn a frozen look,

Daring him to say ?one word? even though his shoulders shook.

Well, then it strikes my funny bone, although my body?s sore,

Soon both of us are laughing ?til we?re rolling on the floor.

That?s where the children find us … staring down with great big eyes,

For we?re in a heap and laughing hard, and holding to our sides.

“Hey! What are you guys doing? Can we have our dinner, please??

“Of course,? I answer quickly. I just came to get the peas!?

@ Edna Henke, Ivins, Utah